Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
