WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
