I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
