The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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