after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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