I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
