My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
