i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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