Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
