i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
All the doctor said was why
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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