I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
