His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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