There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
