sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
