Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Drake has all the answers
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
