How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
