Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
