he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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