Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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