My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
