I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
