I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
