We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
