i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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