I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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