oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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