Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
