Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
