He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
