Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
