i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I looked at my own cervix.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
