Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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