textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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