Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
