dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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