dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
