If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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