Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
