i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
