I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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