Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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