How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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