My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
