Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
