You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
