That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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