Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
