Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
