I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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