just tell him i said nine months
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
