i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
