I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
