remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Randomize
